003: A Cheat Sheet for a Flourishing Marriage

The Lifestyle Emporium Podcast

A Cheat Sheet For A Flourishing Marriage – For My Married And Single Friends.

My name is Ellen Meyer I am delighted to welcome you to your new gathering place,a hub of fresh encounters, inspiration, courage and life skills that will help you realise and fulfil the purpose that you have been created for – while living in joy and abundance throughout the journey. This is a weekly interactive, conversational, lifestyle podcast – which I created to connect with my girlfriends all over the world.  I would like to accompany you my friend, wherever you are – whether it be on your lunch break, in a traffic jam or folding laundry. Our time together is destined to bring you new motivation and encouragement, to offer you a fresh perspective and give you the tools to alleviate overwhelm and anxiety. For this podcast to truly make a difference – really listen, reflect and engage. There may just be something that you need to be reminded of today.

I wanted to prepare today’s podcast in time for Valentines Day, but in true Ellen style – I am late. Thankfully these little truth bombs do not date. Now, I am going to be honest with you – you may not like them all, but they are worth contemplating.

This podcast is entirely dedicated to the man who is the bubbles in my champagne and the cream in my coffee; he is my glass of red wine at the end of a crazy week. He is absolutely my better half  - this is a tribute to you my Mr. Meyer - and it is also an apology because I did not buy you a Valentines gift. Sorry babe – so cute that this does not even matter to you, although I know you like surprises. Anyway, I digress - last year we celebrated our 10 -year anniversary.  How on earth this man puts up with me – no how he loves me the way he does - is the greatest unsolved mystery of all time.

BUT I was not always loved like this. To recount my failed relationships will take days and I won’t bore you, but when I met Mr. Meyer at the age of 30 – I felt like I have been waiting my whole entire life. So – my single friends – I include something for you as well in this podcast because well – I was once YOU. So without further ado, here is my personal cheat sheet for a flourishing marriage:

Point number 1 of 21 is about Valentines Day or any other day that creates… EXPECTATION. Listen to my words of infinite wisdom ladies:  are you ready? Here it is: Have very low expectations of your other half.I kid you not – it is a marvelous strategy to avoid disappointment. So he didn’t get you flowers or he forgot. Get over it, and next time, buy yourself a big bouquet of flowers a lovely bottle French Champagne and celebrate LIFE anyway. They usually feel terrible when they see the big bunch of flowers, which you thank him for.

On the more serious side though, talk about your hopes and expectations BEFORE you get married. Single friends – BEFORE you get married. Discuss how you like to celebrate and what you would like to happen on special occasions – or what are you are worried might NOT happen – don’t expect the other person to JUST know. Without discussing these little hopes and expectations, you are setting yourselves up for failure. If you are a few years down the line or already married and you never talked about it before, have a good sit-down and TALK (and record the message because he will forget) and when you’ve communicated - put systems into place – seriously you can even place a reminder on his phone! But then release it and don’t tie your personal worth to the size of the gesture you receive. Birthdays are important to me – and so far Mr. Meyer has never forgotten one. I think it is because he knows, that my present to myself will cost at least double than his present to me!

Point number two:

Selfishness is not the point of self-care.This is the age where “self-care” is hyper trending – I’m afraid the term is misunderstood and we may be shooting ourselves in the foot. I think the term was originally intended for people who are working hard and selflessly caring for others as a way to say, “it’s ok, you have permission to ALSO look after yourself. Fill your cup so you have something to pour into others.” A wonderful concept, but instead, I’m afraid that every encouragement of self care has been caligraphied, framed and reposted to death by many of us who would do well to rather work on, “other –care” than “self-care”. By now – I’ve probably lost anyone who really needs to hear my point number two which is – instead of focusing on yourself and what you need, instead of focusing on how you can get him to do the things that are important to you, do the reverse.  Find out what is important to your partner and truly make a consistent effort to do what is important for THEM. Yup – put your partner first. And then apply point number 1 – don’t expect anything. Outrageous – I know!  This is a life – long learning curve. But here’s the deal – when you look out for your partner and truly places his needs before yours – it invokes a sense gratitude in the other person and you will see behaviour change – so stick with it and you can thank me later.

Point number three:

Learn the love language of you and your spouse.This is a fun little activity. Gary Chapman’s book did not become a best seller for nothing. If you think about your spouse – what are the things that make them come alive… how do they enjoy receiving and giving love? Speak their language! You know you can do a free quiz to help you find your love languages on their website (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages/). They actually have a quiz for the whole family. The 5 love languages are: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation – in my opinion it is all about being considerate and attentive to the ones you love, in a way that matters to them.

A personal side note, I love old G’s 5 love languages – it is really fun – but what it has taught me that I need all of the love languages but at different times, poor Mr. Meyer.

Number 4

Know that love alone does not conquer all.Yes…you heard me; love alone is not enough to keep you happily together.  It may sound like common sense, but think about it – at some point of our life, we all seem to have a warped definition of love. Just think back to your very first earth-moving crush. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, and you think that you could move mountains for this person. All based on the wild chemistry that seems to take over your body! We have all been there. Yet, our understanding of the concept of love, will naturally affect our expression of it. We all know that in the 70’s “free love” basically meant as much enjoyment with as many people and with as little commitment as possible. I can’t even imagine how many broken hearts and families occurred during this time.  Come to think of it, perhaps not much have changed. We still use the term loosely reducing love to an emotion that should be accompanied by feelings of happiness. With this philosophy therefore in the absence of happiness, love is consequently also absent. We start our relationship by “falling” in love as if it happens by accident – and by these terms you could “fall out of love” just as easily.

So here is a question:  What does love mean to you? Discuss and define what love means to you as a couple. In the Merriam Webster Dictionary, it highlights words and phrases like “affection, attraction, to like or desire actively, to hold dear or cherish”. Many are “feeling” words. Feelings – as we know - change like the wind! While the circumstances of life changes and we need to remain flexible, “love” needs to be something that we can count on regardless of what life throws at us. Wedding vows are said in one moment in time – they should perhaps be repeated as a mantra to remind ourselves what we truly promised each other.

Love alone does not conquer all – not without actions – such as commitment, respect, and devotion and not without the understanding that should be unconditional. I know what you are going to say… it has to be mutual. I hear you, friend – but here is the thing. In a lifetime together, there are times when the true love of one – carries the other through a difficult season and then in a different season, the other one may bear that privilege. Thousands of marriages will be saved if we would be prepared to stay committed to our vows and carry each other through seasons, knowing that seasons do change. Write out your love as a declaration of commitment with the objective to make it – together, conquering anything that may come against it.  Let us not reduce love to mere feelings and hold on to the fact that true love matures and gets richer and more fulfilling as we vanquish life’s challenges and write our unique love story together.

Ok, lets get to the next part in the list. Here are some things that you may find useful, credited mostly to those whose marriages that have endured the storms of life and have lasted even much longer than ours:

Ready for number 5?

When you fight – and you will – fight “clean”.We hold the heart of our love, in our hands – we know deep and secret vulnerabilities that have been entrusted to us. What are we going to do with that? We could use them as weapons or guard the heart of the one we love. Which brings me to

Number 6

Choose being kind over being right.This might have been a Pinterest post, but it is GOLD! When our need to be RIGHT is greater than our desire to love and build, we cultivate an environment of self – righteousness, criticism and judgment. Our choice.

Number 7

Single ladies – hear me - Two broken people do not make one whole one. Never enter a relationship with the hope of fixing someone. Drop it like it is hot darlings  - you are not a Saviour. And also don’t expect for someone to rescue you. Not emotionally, nor financially. We can simply not rely on anyone else to “make us happy” and we cannot continually “make another person happy” if they are, well, not a happy person.

However -  if you are already in a marriage where you thought that you could save your spouse or they could save you – know that though this may not be easy my friend – there is much hope and strength in the power of a supportive community. You can and should get help. Be sure to create a support network for the both of you that can consist of trained professionals and friends and decide for this to be a chapter in your story and not the entire book. 

Number 8

BE the person that you want to be with.This is a much more effective strategy than making it your life’s calling to better your spouse.

Number 9

Be captivated, don’t compare.Comparison cultivates insecurity and discontent! The marriage that you think is better than yours – is absolutely not. Great marriages are great because they find the treasures in the one that they are with; they become captivated by the one that they choose over and over again – and they simply don’t give up. This is something that you can do too.

Number 10

Get good at forgiving.Holding grudges is a heavy burden and my friend, know this - at some point you are going to have to have to forgive and many other times, you are going to need forgiveness. Herein lies the secret.  When we refuse to forgive, not only is it toxic to yourself but you kind of say that your mistakes are more acceptable than his. Years together will reveal countless mistakes made by each half of the partnership, we may as well drop the superiority complex and accept our mutual imperfection. Forgiveness liberates both of you to have a fresh new beginning. So, practice grace – even if your spouse does not deserve it – I promise you that the tables will turn at some point of life and you will need the favour returned.

Number 11

Don’t have a backup plan. Eliminate any other options. Yup you heard me -  no thinking that “IF” this does not work out. No fostering relationships with anyone who could be a threat to your marriage. Practice radical faithfulness. Bill Withers, one of my favourite singers sings in one of his songs, “you are too much for one man, but not enough for two...”. Well said, Bill.

Number 12

Share daily highs and lows firstly with your spouse.John Maxwell, an authority on leadership shares how this simple practice has kept him and his wife close and helped to fuel the friendship. True friendship is the foundation of any great marriage. This is no secret – but how are we actively fuelling the fire of friendship? Reflect if this point needs some attention and if adjustments need to be made. This connects with

Number 13

Never stop dating each other. The difference between the excitement of dating and reality of marriage – is not the fact that you get married – it is simply… an attitude change. It’s when you stop making an effort for each other. When marriage seems stale, start dating each other again with first time curiosity, excitement and effort. Never underestimate thoughtful gestures and little surprises for each other. And don’t wait for him, be the one who starts a new tradition of creating beautiful moments and memories.

Number 14

BE different, but work as a team.Embrace each other’s strengths and weaknesses find how you complement each other. Instead of competing against each other for selfish gain–celebrate other successes as if it is our own and come alongside your partner with strength where he is weak. Attempting to highlight your strengths and focusing on his weakness may help you win the round but babe; you will end up losing the race.

Number 15

Criticism kills.If you are looking for something bad, you will find it. Discuss issues, find solutions – this is constructive. Accusation, blame and pointing fingers will always destroy. The reverse is also true: If you are looking for something good – you will find there is much to love and be grateful for.

Number 16

Create shared values and a shared vision for your life.  I cannot stress this enough. Establish those from the beginning, but if you haven’t, it is not too late. This is far more important than sharing common interests or feelings of attraction. Although they have relevance, interests, hobbies and careers change –even if they have brought you together. Shared values for example are your principles on faith, faithfulness, and the importance of family. Your vision for your life for example is what you would like your family to look like in 10, 20 and 30 years. These are the foundations that help you build a solid home that last.

Number 17

Praise him privately and publically.Do it sincerely and in a way that speaks to his heart.  Let your other half shine and set them up for success. We share the negative so easily don’t we, and yet all of us desire some measure of affirmation and approval from each other. Acknowledge him for who he is, give him credit for where he makes an effort or what he is good at.

 Number 18

Choose your tribe wisely.Choose to surround you with those who are FOR you, those who are in favour of your relationship and who want to see both of you thrive. Even so, be wise, remember, whatever you share about your spouse cannot be unsaid. Often you move past your problems, but the others still remember the pain that it caused you and they may struggle to forgive.

 Number 19

This is a personal one – but for me it is the most powerful of them all. Choose to do your marriage with God. If I had to choose a mentor to lead me through marriage, I would choose someone who emulated true, unselfish love and empowerment. Think for a moment and hit pause before you answer…  Who has demonstrated in all of history the most radical love story ever written? It will be very difficult to deny the power, the gentleness and the transformational love that the historical Jesus displayed – even if you don’t choose to believe that He is who he says he is. His documented historical acts of love are impressive. My point number 19 is therefore is that we need all the help we can get and I am so grateful for a mentor who fuels our marriage with what it needs to flourish. I truly pray this for you too my friend.

 Number 20

Own your mistakes.Own it like the woman you are. Admit it when you’ve messed up. Don’t cover it up or hide it. Learn to sincerely apologize when you were at fault and then act accordingly. It is humbling to feel like you owe somebody something – but when you’ve messed up - don’t justify, don’t make excuses – take responsibility and own it.

A final Number 21

Love the one you are with, in the circumstance you are in.Love and live life wildly, freely, joyfully  – don’t reschedule it for when there is more money or when the kids are bigger – now is your moment. Remember you may not have tomorrow.

Now, you may notice that this is written to us as women. I wrote this as a girlfriend to my girlfriends – knowing that the exact same thing applies to men and if both parties would apply these consistently, many more marriages would flourish. But I wrote to you – because I believe as women, we hold a special power to guide and guard the hearts that we are entrusted with. We are, I believe, the guardians of our galaxy. So here is a suggestion.

Instead of listening to this podcast and moving on. Print out this cheat sheet of 21 practices and practice it. Did you know that it takes 21 days for a thought to be changed in our minds? Amazing isn’t it? If your marriage is already great - see it as a way to further enrich what you already have. If your marriage is suffering, I am here to bring you hope and solid strategies, which can bring about change. Just whatever you do, don’t give up my friend; your best years are still ahead.

 Well friends, this is it for today. I would like to invite you to connect with me also on social media on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/lifestyledesigneroninsta/or Facebook @thelifestyleemporiumtribe, https://www.facebook.com/thelifestyleemporiumtribe. 

You can also reach me through my website: www.thelifestyleemporium.ch which offers both learning experiences and mentorship and my contact details should you want to get in touch, ask questions or make a special request if there is something on your heart which we can discuss on this podcast.

Until next time.